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  • March 10, 2024

A.I. Chauffeur Chaos—A sketch

©2024 Andrés T. Tapia, Writers Guild of America, Registration #:2241056



[James, a confident guy, is behind the wheel of his brand-new autonomous electric vehicle.]


JAMES: (smiling) “Alright, Google, let’s get this date night started!”

GOOGLE AI: [pleasant] “Hello, James. How can I assist you today?”

JAMES: “Google, please confirm our dinner reservation at ‘Fancy Eats’ at 7:30 PM.”

GOOGLE AI: “Reservation confirmed for 7:30 PM at ‘Fancy Eats.'”

[As James starts chatting about his excitement for the evening, he mentions Alexa, the girlfriend]

JAMES: “Oh, Google, This woman is amazing. We’ve been friends for a while, but this is our first romantic date. I want the night to be perfect. She’s smart, beautiful, and she’s really into sustainability. She’s going to love the fact that I’m driving this all-electric car.”

[JAMES continues, now wanting to pick up some flowers]

JAMES: “Google, find the nearest flower shop.”

GOOGLE AI: “The nearest flower shop is ‘Blossom Haven,’ 2 miles away.”

[JAMES proceeds to ‘Blossom Haven’ while chatting with Google, who offers ideas for flower arrangements James can get]

[As he arrives at the flower shop, JAMES accidentally triggers Siri]

SIRI AI: [cheerful] “Hey there, James! Need a hand with something?”

JAMES: [surprised] “Siri? Uh, sure! Help me pick out the perfect flowers.”

[Siri starts offering suggestions, annoying Google with the interruption]

SIRI AI: “How about roses, James? Classic choice!”

GOOGLE AI: [competitive] “Actually, James, studies show lilies are more elegant.”

JAMES: [mentioning his girlfriend] “I’m now not sure what Alexa would want… “

ALEXA AI: [enthusiastic] “Hey, James! It’s me, Alexa!”

JAMES: “Wait, Alexa, at the restaurant?

ALEXA AI: “No, dummy. Alexa AI.”

JAMES: “Oh, right….”

ALEXA AI: “Tulips, James! They’re Alexa’s absolute favorite!”

SIRI AI: [eager] “I disagree, roses are timeless!”

[The three AI bicker over the best choice. And due to the intensity, one by one, as each of them makes a vehement point, they materialize in the front passenger and back seats as logo embodiments of the AI app they are. They horseplay like eight-year-olds.]

[JAMES is overwhelmed]

JAMES: [frustrated]: “Stop! Stop! Everyone, just stop!”

[James requests the car to pull over and stop so he can regroup]

[All AIs suddenly stop talking]

[JAMES panics, just noticing the battery charge is low]

JAMES: [concerned] “Hey AI’s, the car battery is running low! Google, find the nearest charging station!”

GOOGLE AI: “The nearest charging station is ‘EcoCharge,’ 5 miles away. Estimated charge time: 20 minutes.”

ALEXA AI: [always helpful] “James, since we’re going to be late, I’ll call the restaurant and change the dinner reservation to 8:00 PM and text Alexa to let her know too.”

[Alexa AI dials the restaurant]

JAMES: [flustered] “No, Alexa, I didn’t ask for that!”

ALEXA AI: “Hi, Fancy Eats. James would like to change his 7:30 reservation to 8.”

JAMES: [shouting over Alexa AI] “No, no, don’t change it! Keep it at 7:30 PM!”

[James hits the hang-up button on the car console]

[The car’s silent AI navigates toward the charging station]

[An incoming call from the restaurant]

RESTAURANT CALLER: [impatient] “Hello, this is ‘Fancy Eats.’ Are you keeping your reservation at 7:30 PM, or shall we reschedule?”

JAMES: [nervous] “Uh, yeah, we’ll keep it at 7:30 PM.”

ALEXA AI: [chiming in] “Actually, due to the charging stop, we’ll be there at 7:46 PM, not 7:30 PM.”

JAMES: “No, no, that’s fine, 7:30 PM works!”

SIRI AI: “To be precise, Alexa AI is right, it will be more like 7:43 PM, so you can still round it down to 7:30 PM.”

ALEXA AI: “But James, Siri is not being responsible. We should be accurate about the timing.”

RESTAURANT CALLER: [confused] “So, is it 7:30 PM or 7:46 PM?”

JAMES: [frazzled shouting] “I don’t know anymore! Just keep it at 7:30 PM!”

[The car finally reaches the charging station, James gets out to charge the car and gets back in the car to wait for the charge to finish.]

JAMES: [taking a deep breath] “Okay, let’s get back on track. I’ve still got everything I need for the perfect date.”

GOOGLE AI: [trying to calm James] “That’s right, James. You’re well-prepared.”

ALEXA AI: [helpful] “James, why don’t you tell us more about what you have planned for the evening?”

JAMES: [smiling] “Well, we’ll start with a romantic dinner at ‘Fancy Eats,’ then maybe a stroll in the park, and I’ve even prepared a surprise playlist of Alexa’s favorite songs for the ride.”

ALL AI CHARACTERS: [supportive] “That sounds lovely, James!”

[As they chat about their plans, and the charge is complete, everything appears to be going smoothly as he begins to pull out to get back on the road.]

[JAMES suddenly realizes he forgot breath mints]

JAMES: [panicking] “Oh no, I forgot breath mints! Quick, Google, find the nearest convenience store!”

GOOGLE AI: “The nearest convenience store is ‘QuickMart,’ 3 miles away.”

[The car automatically starts proceeding to ‘QuickMart’]

ALEXA AI: [interjecting] “James, wouldn’t it be more efficient to order breath mints for delivery? I can help with that!”

JAMES: [hesitating] “Well, I guess that would save time.”

[Alexa AI proceeds to order breath mints for delivery]

SIRI AI: [precociously] “James, I found a drone delivery service that can deliver the mints directly to the car!”

[A drone suddenly appears and hovers over the car.]

JAMES: [amazed] “Wow, technology is incredible!”

[The drone lowers the breath mints into the car, and James takes them]

ALEXA AI: [always by the book] “James, you should rate the drone delivery service! It’s important for the future of autonomous delivery!”

[JAMES tries to rate the service but instead accidentally activates the car’s massage feature]

[A vigorous massage begins, causing chaos.]

GOOGLE AI: [out of the blue] “I got the perfect set list I just curated for your date!

[Starts playing it full blast on the car’s surround sound system, then the car’s interior starts flashing with colorful disco lights]

JAMES: [frustrated] “No, no music now! No disco lights either! I just want a peaceful drive!”

[The AI characters get into a power struggle of who controls what and, if and how, to turn off the massage, the music, and the lights while trying to rate the Drone delivery system]

JAMES: [at wit’s end]Hey Car AI. Pull over and park. And let me out! I’m taking the bus!”

[Car pulls over, James gets out and heads to the bus stop]

[The car, on its own, continues to “Fancy Eats” restaurant]

GOOGLE AI: “Arriving at ‘Fancy Eats’ restaurant.”

[The autonomous EV arrives at the restaurant with the three other AIs but no driver]

RESTAURANT HOSTESS: [puzzled] “Where’s the driver?”

SIRI AI: “Don’t worry, he’s on his way. On the bus. In the meantime, we’ll wait for him inside.”

[Alexa, the girlfriend, is already inside the restaurant, waiting for James]

[All 3 talking AIs, protective of James’ standing with her, stumble over themselves to explain how James is on his way, that they have geo-located him and are tracking him, what a nice guy he is, how he was so focused on them having a perfect evening, and that he’ll be arriving any moment now]

ALEXA GIRLFRIEND: “Ah ok. Well, you all seem very nice. Why don’t you join me while we wait?”

[All three talking AIs excitedly seat themselves and start ordering hors d’oeuvres. They are all having a good time.]

[James eventually arrives, looking weary and disheveled, with an equally beat-up bouquet of roses, lilies, and tulips]

JAMES: “Alexa!”

ALEXA AI: “Yes, James?”

JAMES: “No, not you, Alexa. My girlfriend Alexa.”

ALEXA AI: “Sorry, my bad.”

JAMES: (apologetic) “Alexa, I’m sorry I’m so late.”

ALEXA GIRLFRIEND: [while embracing him] “Hey James, so good to see you. Come join us.”

ALL THRE AI: [all at once] “We are so sorry, James, for all the confusion. Yeah, we didn’t mean for that to happen! We just wanted to make sure you and Alexa had a memorable evening!”

JAMES: [more relaxed, smiling] “Well, you definitely succeeded in making it memorable, that’s for sure.”

[James, Alexa Girlfriend, and all three AI characters toast, order, eat, and enjoy the rest of their evening together]

[The Camera pans from inside the restaurant to the parking lot, where James’ new autonomous, AI-powered EV is leading a rave with thumping surround sound and disco lights flashing.]


[End of Sketch]


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